Hold on Smalls

I'm still here, I promise.

I'll admit it, it's been a while. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. It just sort of did... like it always does. Things pass you by, and before you know it, you're out of the habit. Just like that, it's not a significant part of your life anymore.

It's not that it has decreased in value to you. You just don't have the time to invest anymore. There is only so much much you can do in a day, and there are other things that are more important. Papers need to get done, you could always use more studying for that test, making summer plans needs to be finalized and a plan hashed out, people need to be seen, you have to do these other things before you spend time reflecting on whimsical topics that drift into your mind...

1) That's a lot of excuses, and
2) I don't want to believe that anymore. I don't want that to be true.

I know that these excuses have value and they too are important. But why do they have to snuff out newer, smaller ideas? Why does it always seem that the little things I want to add to my life are the first to go when things get tight? What makes it so hard to commit to something small??? Just taking half an hour to type something that I want to type, that I want to talk about, just for a moment, doesn't seem like it should be that hard.

I want the small things in my life, the little habits I do, to be equally as significant and important to me as the bigger ones. And I don't think how much time I spend on something should be how I evaluate importance. I can still value something, think it's a beneficial event in my life, even if it only takes 30 minutes of my time and not 3 hours. I don't need to prove its worth in my life. If has worth, then it does. No testing needed. If this is something I really want, then the amount of spare time I have available at a given moment should be enough.

The brief moments I have in between classes, while my laundry is going, while I wait before I have to run onto something else, don't have to be wasted. I can fill them with the little. The little does have a place in my life. I don't need to eliminate them if they don't happen to fit into the large chunks of free time I might sporadically have. Small is good too. Small is enough to leave some sort of impression. Small is just the right size to fit into the big.

I'm still here, I promise.

Cheez-Its and Soup

And in that moment, I was touched by a stranger.

Do you ever have an encounter with someone that just warms your heart? It doesn't have to be a long one, just a couple of seconds or so, maybe a few words, maybe not. A brief amount of time where you interact with a fellow human being, someone you don't really know, and you feel a connection. When your eyes meet, maybe a smile, some small crinkles in the corners of your eyes, a knowing upturn of the mouth or a nod of the head. It doesn't have to be big. Just something noticed between you and someone else. Perhaps it's just one sided, but I would like to think that it can be mutual.

I think I had an encounter like that. It was truly a precious moment. It happened when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to eat for dinner one night. It was later in the evening and the cafeteria was in the closing down phase; main meals were being to be put away. It was the last call if you wanted to eat anything else besides cereal. I was walking aimlessly back and forth between the different stations (as I often find myself) trying to make some sort of decision. Finally I decided on soup. I poured myself a small bowl and went to add some Cheez-Its, but there were none left. There I was, my soup in hand but lacking the necessary topping. For a moment I was sad. I only really wanted soup because I wanted to top it with Cheez-Its, and now I didn't really want to eat it because of the missing orange crackers, and here I was, starting to feel the small pricks of guilt because I was considering wasting this bowl of soup.

Thankfully, at that particular time, there was someone working behind the counter when I decided to express my letdown. I can be a very vocal person. This is probably because I can feel things deeply. Even the small joys and wonders in life that seem pretty ordinary usually always get some sort of vocal response from me. How I'm affected can usually be heard in the forms of "Oh...," "Awww," a gasp, or even a sentence. Anyway, seeing that the bowl that usually held the orange crackers was empty I exclaimed something to the effect, "Oh, they're all gone..." And Peter* noticed.

He could have just said sorry, he could have explained to me that they were putting things away. Instead, he found a new box, and opened the bag so I could have fresh Cheez-Its to choose from. I don't know why, but that unsuspecting act of kindness warmed me up inside. For some reason, I felt taken care of by a stranger.

By chance I saw him again. I was able to smile and wave and he waved back. I'm not sure if he remembered that original encounter or if he was just being polite. I'm not sure if he even recognized me. But that doesn't matter, not really. It's a precious moment in time that I've remembered. A small, unexpected moment that brought me joy. A happy accident. I hope that there are Peter's in everyone's life at some point. Someone who you don't know and yet interacted with in a special way. Hooray for the Peter's of the world! You should be celebrated.

And in that moment, I was touched by a stranger.

*not actual name

That Time Of Year

Springtime is meant for flying.

It seems I just can't get away from this feeling. Every year, around the same time, it's always there. Ready to greet me, envelop me in a hug that I don't want, and then hold on longer than necessary. I don't think I can stop it; believe me, if I could have, I would. I'm just never prepared for when it comes.

It's the feeling of time slipping, no, rushing past me and I can't do anything to stop it. I'm walking on this path at a reasonable pace, and then all of the sudden the wind picks up. But it's not like I can't see it coming. I can, so I try to anticipate it, try to prepare myself mentally. But then, without fail, it's upon me, all of a sudden coming from behind. I'm caught off guard and I'm forced to launch into a run I was not prepared for. I'm not ready! I was enjoying my stroll and now I have to run? Please, can we just take a break, or at least let me catch my breath. I think I can keep up running, I just need more time. More time.

I see life passing me by as I try to run, but I'm too slow. Places and people aren't as concrete as I thought they would be. They aren't permanent fixtures in my life. The things in their life will take them elsewhere, to places that I won't be able to be a part of. I won't be able to stay in one spot where I feel comfortable. It'll be time for me to leave, whether or not I feel ready. At some point, our paths will diverge, and we won't be walking hand in hand anymore. Proximity likes to tease me, I've discovered.

I would just like a few more moments together. Is that so bad? I want to see our relationships grow. There are so many more things I would like to experience with you. I want to get better at caring, extending grace, being a better friend. I want to create a stronger bond. Isn't that a good thing to want? I want to be a part of this community longer. There is more for me to learn. I know I can grow even more here if I just had a little time more... So what can I do to put on the breaks? I just need some more pauses in my life. I don't want you to leave me okay! Is that so selfish?

But no matter what I think, how much I wish, the wind still blows. Things will still move past me, people will enter my life and then leave, and the only thing I can do during this whirlwind of a time is to keep running. Maybe eventually I'll figure out how to keep up. Maybe I'll learn how to anticipate the abrupt change of pace and be ready. Maybe then, if I'm fast enough, more skilled at juggling, I can buy some more time, some more moments. Until then....

Springtime is meant for flying.