Open The Blinds

Hello sunshine, it's been a while.

In my apartment we don't really open the shades. The blinds stay down. Sometimes that's a good idea, like when my roommate and I tried to exercise in the living room but didn't want it to be a public show, or when it gets dark outside and we're winding down to go to bed. But during the day, no matter the weather, they stay closed. I didn't really think much about it until I noticed that it bothered me. The blinds were always closed.  Because I didn't want to disturb the peace of the apartment (I wasn't sure if my apartment mates liked having them down), and to be honest some days I was too lazy, I just kept the blinds closed. I didn't do anything about it. Instead, every time I would walk inside, I would notice the blinds and feel it bother me. They blinds stayed closed.

Closed off to seeing outside, closed off to others, closed off from the sun. No one could accidentally get a peak inside, and I wouldn't ever observe people walking by. I felt separated, like I was missing things. It's not like I have a great view or anything; it's just another set of brick apartment buildings. But for some reason, not being able to look and see outside felt very isolating. And here I was, not really doing anything about it.

Until one day I almost missed it. The day started off gray and cold. More of the same. But I was determined to not let the weather affect my mood. I got up fairly early and even worked out. But by 1pm I was hitting my Saturday afternoon slump. So instead of doing hw I took a nap. When I woke up I thought, Well, I guess this will just be another grayish Saturday, doing hw on my laptop. At some point I decided to peak outside. I don't know why, especially because I thought I already knew what the weather was going to be like anyway. I had checked online and it had said cloudy all day. But I peaked through the blinds anyway.

And there it was. Sunshine! The light was warm and yellow and looked so much more inviting than that morning's blue-gray light. The sun was out, and I had almost missed it! Something small like that had made my day. In that moment, it was not another dreary Saturday like the one before it. It was not a Saturday that acted more like a winter one rather than a spring one. This Saturday was the day the sunshine peaked through the clouds. The day the sunshine came.

And because of that, I want to try and be a better fan of the sun. Especially in March, when it seems like the sun has a hard time showing who's boss against the clouds. I want to open the blinds more often, enjoy the outside when I can, especially when the weather is having a tug-of-war battle with being decent and reverting back to winter. I think that opening the blinds is an act of a good supporting fan, cheering on the sun and warmer weather.

Hello sunshine, it's been a while.

Sometimes I Miss You

A thought came to me one morning...
Why do I really miss my family?

I have a large extended family. Growing up, summers were the was the best. That was what I could look forward to, without fail. A small cabin by the lake was my favorite place to be. That's where we could be together. This was the place where we would all come, experiencing little pieces of our lives just by being around each other. This is where it didn't matter how old I was; everyone enjoyed going on a motorboat ride (even if we were over capacity...) This was where we swam together, explored islands, played in the tree house, roasted marshmallows, put on Calamine lotion/cream to relieve the duck-itch. These were my summers. My summers were my family.

Family, the ones I love. Family was my parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts uncles, second cousins, great aunts... So many more people to love. In my little kid eyes it didn't matter that I was one of the younger cousins. It didn't matter that I only saw them once a year. It didn't matter that there were even some who I had never met, at least not yet. These were people who I was connected to. For those beautiful 3 weeks together, my family was 10 feet tall in my eyes and I was going to love wholeheartedly on them because for that moment in time, we were together.

Now, we've grown up. My cousins are older, some married, some with children, some finished college. They have their own lives. And me, well I'm just being to figure out what it means to be my own person, have independence, a life of my own. My older self is much more aware of the reality that things change, circumstances and situations aren't always in your control, life moves on, and people change. Summers aren't the same anymore. The cabin is still there, and I do get to see some extended family... but it's not the same. Years have gone by and we've all grown up.

And sometimes I feel left behind.

I miss you!!! I miss the times when all 30 of us were together. When we played in the croquet in the sun, when we would speed across the lake in our boat, feeling like we were flying. I miss laying on our towels in the grass, feeling the sun heating up our backs (which would most likely end up as a sunburn). I miss getting to stay up late and watch movies with you, a special treat hanging out with the big kids. I miss being read to. I miss the time.

Why do I miss you so much? Why do I long for moments of the past? Why do I want to see you, thinking that if we were just together everything would be the same, how it once was? Maybe because I feel that's all I have. Those summer moments when we were young. Those moments, the farther and farther they stretch, are the things that hold us together. They are the times when we were together. And now we're not. And now I'm afraid you don't know me anymore. I'm afraid I've just become a memory to you, just a label. I'm just a cousin from that one side of the family. Oh yes, you can remember some of the qualities I had when I was a child, some characteristics that I think I still have. Yes, some of those things have stayed with me and make up who I am. But do you really know me? Do you really know who I am as a person? Do you want to be a part of my life like how I want to be a part of yours?

I want to experience those summer moments again, where we just spend time with each other.
I want to be a part of your present lives, not just from the past.
I really want you to know me, Eileen the college student, your cousin.

I miss you because I long to be known by you.

The Start

It always has to begin somewhere.

I am not the greatest initiator of things. There are a lot of conflicting emotions inside of me when I have to decide on something, whether that be where to sit at lunch, what time to get together with someone, should I go to this event? And my inability to commit to a decision in a timely manner gets even worse with the bigger life decisions. Should I try to apply for this internship, how should I spend my summer, will this affect my future...? The bigger the new potential "starts" are, the more uncomfortable I get. I think these insecurities and uncomfortable feelings stem from the fear of starting something.

Starting something is hard. You are at the beginning stages of some sort of path. You are making this choice to pick a particular, unfamiliar path, and actually walk on it. Choosing to do one thing instead of another. There are going to be consequences no matter where you start. It's hard to leave the comfortable, routine path you're already set on. Why would you deviate, try something new?

Starting something is scary. It's an abrupt kicking off into something that doesn't exist yet. You are investing some of your time to go on some path that has the possibility of not actually leading anywhere. Then what are you left with? Just a dead end. Nothing happened. No goal was accomplished. You just walked along somewhere and that is that... Or is it?

Starting something is necessary. How are you supposed to grow and learn things about yourself if you don't start? By committing to a start, you are being active in making choices, going forward, doing something. Starting enables developing. Do all starts lead to some conclusion? No. But they can at least lead you to another starting point. It may be hard, messy, scary, filled with nerves and fears, but that's just the beginning. You never know what's going to be on the other side until you choose to move forward. You must begin in order to find out. 

So here I am, at another starting point in my life. I don't know where it's going to lead me or what I'm going to get out of it. Perhaps I'll get out of this reflecting habit, like I have with many other things in the past. Perhaps these first attempts will just be that, first attempts. Just lonely beginnings, sitting aimlessly in cyberspace. But perhaps this will become a new habit, one that helps me grow. Maybe this attempt to commit to writing out my thoughts will help me in processing, thinking, and engaging in this world. Perhaps this will help me hash out what I truly believe so I don't have to stay an indecisive person. I'll never know unless I at least try.

It always has to begin somewhere.