The Start

It always has to begin somewhere.

I am not the greatest initiator of things. There are a lot of conflicting emotions inside of me when I have to decide on something, whether that be where to sit at lunch, what time to get together with someone, should I go to this event? And my inability to commit to a decision in a timely manner gets even worse with the bigger life decisions. Should I try to apply for this internship, how should I spend my summer, will this affect my future...? The bigger the new potential "starts" are, the more uncomfortable I get. I think these insecurities and uncomfortable feelings stem from the fear of starting something.

Starting something is hard. You are at the beginning stages of some sort of path. You are making this choice to pick a particular, unfamiliar path, and actually walk on it. Choosing to do one thing instead of another. There are going to be consequences no matter where you start. It's hard to leave the comfortable, routine path you're already set on. Why would you deviate, try something new?

Starting something is scary. It's an abrupt kicking off into something that doesn't exist yet. You are investing some of your time to go on some path that has the possibility of not actually leading anywhere. Then what are you left with? Just a dead end. Nothing happened. No goal was accomplished. You just walked along somewhere and that is that... Or is it?

Starting something is necessary. How are you supposed to grow and learn things about yourself if you don't start? By committing to a start, you are being active in making choices, going forward, doing something. Starting enables developing. Do all starts lead to some conclusion? No. But they can at least lead you to another starting point. It may be hard, messy, scary, filled with nerves and fears, but that's just the beginning. You never know what's going to be on the other side until you choose to move forward. You must begin in order to find out. 

So here I am, at another starting point in my life. I don't know where it's going to lead me or what I'm going to get out of it. Perhaps I'll get out of this reflecting habit, like I have with many other things in the past. Perhaps these first attempts will just be that, first attempts. Just lonely beginnings, sitting aimlessly in cyberspace. But perhaps this will become a new habit, one that helps me grow. Maybe this attempt to commit to writing out my thoughts will help me in processing, thinking, and engaging in this world. Perhaps this will help me hash out what I truly believe so I don't have to stay an indecisive person. I'll never know unless I at least try.

It always has to begin somewhere.