Sometimes I Miss You

A thought came to me one morning...
Why do I really miss my family?

I have a large extended family. Growing up, summers were the was the best. That was what I could look forward to, without fail. A small cabin by the lake was my favorite place to be. That's where we could be together. This was the place where we would all come, experiencing little pieces of our lives just by being around each other. This is where it didn't matter how old I was; everyone enjoyed going on a motorboat ride (even if we were over capacity...) This was where we swam together, explored islands, played in the tree house, roasted marshmallows, put on Calamine lotion/cream to relieve the duck-itch. These were my summers. My summers were my family.

Family, the ones I love. Family was my parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts uncles, second cousins, great aunts... So many more people to love. In my little kid eyes it didn't matter that I was one of the younger cousins. It didn't matter that I only saw them once a year. It didn't matter that there were even some who I had never met, at least not yet. These were people who I was connected to. For those beautiful 3 weeks together, my family was 10 feet tall in my eyes and I was going to love wholeheartedly on them because for that moment in time, we were together.

Now, we've grown up. My cousins are older, some married, some with children, some finished college. They have their own lives. And me, well I'm just being to figure out what it means to be my own person, have independence, a life of my own. My older self is much more aware of the reality that things change, circumstances and situations aren't always in your control, life moves on, and people change. Summers aren't the same anymore. The cabin is still there, and I do get to see some extended family... but it's not the same. Years have gone by and we've all grown up.

And sometimes I feel left behind.

I miss you!!! I miss the times when all 30 of us were together. When we played in the croquet in the sun, when we would speed across the lake in our boat, feeling like we were flying. I miss laying on our towels in the grass, feeling the sun heating up our backs (which would most likely end up as a sunburn). I miss getting to stay up late and watch movies with you, a special treat hanging out with the big kids. I miss being read to. I miss the time.

Why do I miss you so much? Why do I long for moments of the past? Why do I want to see you, thinking that if we were just together everything would be the same, how it once was? Maybe because I feel that's all I have. Those summer moments when we were young. Those moments, the farther and farther they stretch, are the things that hold us together. They are the times when we were together. And now we're not. And now I'm afraid you don't know me anymore. I'm afraid I've just become a memory to you, just a label. I'm just a cousin from that one side of the family. Oh yes, you can remember some of the qualities I had when I was a child, some characteristics that I think I still have. Yes, some of those things have stayed with me and make up who I am. But do you really know me? Do you really know who I am as a person? Do you want to be a part of my life like how I want to be a part of yours?

I want to experience those summer moments again, where we just spend time with each other.
I want to be a part of your present lives, not just from the past.
I really want you to know me, Eileen the college student, your cousin.

I miss you because I long to be known by you.