Open Heart, Loosely Held

Things come to an end. They always do. Tonight’s performance of Love’s Labors Lost is the ending point for this Black Hills experience, and my heart is so full.  There are so many moments I want to hold onto, moments like:

Our trek across the midwest

Making and eating meals together, with the wonderful deer as our dinner guests

Playing volleyball (for the second time in my life)

Hiking mountains and sharing God's creation with my friends

Learning how to be open and vulnerable through clown work

Swimming together after long rehearsals

The many houred afternoon dance party 

Feet to the Fires

The loopy late night van caravan back

Putting on shows together in Wheaton

I want so desperately to tightly hold onto these moments, keep them close. I want my new friends to stay in my life. How can I preserve this time we’ve spent together in community, keeping it exactly the way it is? My fear is that distance and time will eventually erase the magic of these moments we've created together. That's why I need to keep all of this the same, tightly held in my heart.

And yet, I'm slowly coming to realize that I can't do this. I can't control the things I hold dear. The more I cling, the more I limit the full experience of this summer. I can't appreciate something that I’m trying to confine, even if it is because I truly cherish it. Having open hands, not clenched fists, means that yes, these people will go back to their lives. But for a beautiful, unexpected time, these special people were a part of my life. 

All I really need to do is just be thankful for this Black Hills experience. 

And maybe, just maybe, there’ll come a time when they come back into my open hands and heart.

A Storm

Thunderstorms are for cuddling.

It's finally raining in the desert! Everyone waits for that moment when the dark clouds roll in and actually stay in one place, when they decide to let the rain fall instead of just mockingly pass overhead. And now, it's here. And what a storm it is. Thunderstorms make me thankful for sturdy houses, protection, safety, warmth. They also make me thankful for special moments.

What makes a thunderstorm so special?

There's the anticipation that builds up inside as you see the clouds turn from fluffy white, to gloomy gray. You can never quite be sure if it will actually rain. Just because dark clouds are overhead does not mean a drink for the land. No, not until the gray clouds become black billowing masses can you even start to place your bets on the rain. The dark masses in the sky are silent, yet somehow you know they are powerful. And here you are, staring up at them, completely vulnerable. They could unleash any moment.

Then come the bright flashes of lightning. The sporadic glimpses of powerful electricity in the sky take  away little gasps of breath. It can't be helped. The fleeting moment of light in the sky is enough for a split second lift of hope before you are left in darkness. You hold your breath, wondering if your eyes really did catch it. The patterns in the sky are completely unique, unable to be copied. It's up to your eyes and brain to capture the image and hold on to it, if that's even possible.

The silence and anticipatory waiting for the oncoming thunder is almost as bad as the wait for the sporadic lightning. You know what's to follow, and you know how it will sound. And yet, the thunder still manages to surprise you with its loud presence. Its deep and loud entrance ripples through you. Nature's own timpani sounding.

And now, if you're lucky, the rain will follow, pouring down onto the thirsty ground. It comes first as a drizzle, and then rapidly changes to sheets of water falling from the sky. It, too, brings its own rumbling sound. Refreshing and yet not to be messed with when coming down in full force.

All these components are pretty amazing. Thunderstorms truly show (in my humble opinion) nature's force. And somehow, by just being able to witness that, you are a part of the storm. You, as an audience member, are a unique member of a particular storm. Just by observing, you have special access to a unique moment.  Each second can't be matched, and you can't hold onto it. Even your memory can't capture the time perfectly. So all that's left is to just be in the moment, taking it all in. If only there was a way to prolong these distinctive yet temporary moments.

Thunderstorms are for cuddling.

Hold on Smalls

I'm still here, I promise.

I'll admit it, it's been a while. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. It just sort of did... like it always does. Things pass you by, and before you know it, you're out of the habit. Just like that, it's not a significant part of your life anymore.

It's not that it has decreased in value to you. You just don't have the time to invest anymore. There is only so much much you can do in a day, and there are other things that are more important. Papers need to get done, you could always use more studying for that test, making summer plans needs to be finalized and a plan hashed out, people need to be seen, you have to do these other things before you spend time reflecting on whimsical topics that drift into your mind...

1) That's a lot of excuses, and
2) I don't want to believe that anymore. I don't want that to be true.

I know that these excuses have value and they too are important. But why do they have to snuff out newer, smaller ideas? Why does it always seem that the little things I want to add to my life are the first to go when things get tight? What makes it so hard to commit to something small??? Just taking half an hour to type something that I want to type, that I want to talk about, just for a moment, doesn't seem like it should be that hard.

I want the small things in my life, the little habits I do, to be equally as significant and important to me as the bigger ones. And I don't think how much time I spend on something should be how I evaluate importance. I can still value something, think it's a beneficial event in my life, even if it only takes 30 minutes of my time and not 3 hours. I don't need to prove its worth in my life. If has worth, then it does. No testing needed. If this is something I really want, then the amount of spare time I have available at a given moment should be enough.

The brief moments I have in between classes, while my laundry is going, while I wait before I have to run onto something else, don't have to be wasted. I can fill them with the little. The little does have a place in my life. I don't need to eliminate them if they don't happen to fit into the large chunks of free time I might sporadically have. Small is good too. Small is enough to leave some sort of impression. Small is just the right size to fit into the big.

I'm still here, I promise.

Cheez-Its and Soup

And in that moment, I was touched by a stranger.

Do you ever have an encounter with someone that just warms your heart? It doesn't have to be a long one, just a couple of seconds or so, maybe a few words, maybe not. A brief amount of time where you interact with a fellow human being, someone you don't really know, and you feel a connection. When your eyes meet, maybe a smile, some small crinkles in the corners of your eyes, a knowing upturn of the mouth or a nod of the head. It doesn't have to be big. Just something noticed between you and someone else. Perhaps it's just one sided, but I would like to think that it can be mutual.

I think I had an encounter like that. It was truly a precious moment. It happened when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to eat for dinner one night. It was later in the evening and the cafeteria was in the closing down phase; main meals were being to be put away. It was the last call if you wanted to eat anything else besides cereal. I was walking aimlessly back and forth between the different stations (as I often find myself) trying to make some sort of decision. Finally I decided on soup. I poured myself a small bowl and went to add some Cheez-Its, but there were none left. There I was, my soup in hand but lacking the necessary topping. For a moment I was sad. I only really wanted soup because I wanted to top it with Cheez-Its, and now I didn't really want to eat it because of the missing orange crackers, and here I was, starting to feel the small pricks of guilt because I was considering wasting this bowl of soup.

Thankfully, at that particular time, there was someone working behind the counter when I decided to express my letdown. I can be a very vocal person. This is probably because I can feel things deeply. Even the small joys and wonders in life that seem pretty ordinary usually always get some sort of vocal response from me. How I'm affected can usually be heard in the forms of "Oh...," "Awww," a gasp, or even a sentence. Anyway, seeing that the bowl that usually held the orange crackers was empty I exclaimed something to the effect, "Oh, they're all gone..." And Peter* noticed.

He could have just said sorry, he could have explained to me that they were putting things away. Instead, he found a new box, and opened the bag so I could have fresh Cheez-Its to choose from. I don't know why, but that unsuspecting act of kindness warmed me up inside. For some reason, I felt taken care of by a stranger.

By chance I saw him again. I was able to smile and wave and he waved back. I'm not sure if he remembered that original encounter or if he was just being polite. I'm not sure if he even recognized me. But that doesn't matter, not really. It's a precious moment in time that I've remembered. A small, unexpected moment that brought me joy. A happy accident. I hope that there are Peter's in everyone's life at some point. Someone who you don't know and yet interacted with in a special way. Hooray for the Peter's of the world! You should be celebrated.

And in that moment, I was touched by a stranger.

*not actual name

That Time Of Year

Springtime is meant for flying.

It seems I just can't get away from this feeling. Every year, around the same time, it's always there. Ready to greet me, envelop me in a hug that I don't want, and then hold on longer than necessary. I don't think I can stop it; believe me, if I could have, I would. I'm just never prepared for when it comes.

It's the feeling of time slipping, no, rushing past me and I can't do anything to stop it. I'm walking on this path at a reasonable pace, and then all of the sudden the wind picks up. But it's not like I can't see it coming. I can, so I try to anticipate it, try to prepare myself mentally. But then, without fail, it's upon me, all of a sudden coming from behind. I'm caught off guard and I'm forced to launch into a run I was not prepared for. I'm not ready! I was enjoying my stroll and now I have to run? Please, can we just take a break, or at least let me catch my breath. I think I can keep up running, I just need more time. More time.

I see life passing me by as I try to run, but I'm too slow. Places and people aren't as concrete as I thought they would be. They aren't permanent fixtures in my life. The things in their life will take them elsewhere, to places that I won't be able to be a part of. I won't be able to stay in one spot where I feel comfortable. It'll be time for me to leave, whether or not I feel ready. At some point, our paths will diverge, and we won't be walking hand in hand anymore. Proximity likes to tease me, I've discovered.

I would just like a few more moments together. Is that so bad? I want to see our relationships grow. There are so many more things I would like to experience with you. I want to get better at caring, extending grace, being a better friend. I want to create a stronger bond. Isn't that a good thing to want? I want to be a part of this community longer. There is more for me to learn. I know I can grow even more here if I just had a little time more... So what can I do to put on the breaks? I just need some more pauses in my life. I don't want you to leave me okay! Is that so selfish?

But no matter what I think, how much I wish, the wind still blows. Things will still move past me, people will enter my life and then leave, and the only thing I can do during this whirlwind of a time is to keep running. Maybe eventually I'll figure out how to keep up. Maybe I'll learn how to anticipate the abrupt change of pace and be ready. Maybe then, if I'm fast enough, more skilled at juggling, I can buy some more time, some more moments. Until then....

Springtime is meant for flying.

Open The Blinds

Hello sunshine, it's been a while.

In my apartment we don't really open the shades. The blinds stay down. Sometimes that's a good idea, like when my roommate and I tried to exercise in the living room but didn't want it to be a public show, or when it gets dark outside and we're winding down to go to bed. But during the day, no matter the weather, they stay closed. I didn't really think much about it until I noticed that it bothered me. The blinds were always closed.  Because I didn't want to disturb the peace of the apartment (I wasn't sure if my apartment mates liked having them down), and to be honest some days I was too lazy, I just kept the blinds closed. I didn't do anything about it. Instead, every time I would walk inside, I would notice the blinds and feel it bother me. They blinds stayed closed.

Closed off to seeing outside, closed off to others, closed off from the sun. No one could accidentally get a peak inside, and I wouldn't ever observe people walking by. I felt separated, like I was missing things. It's not like I have a great view or anything; it's just another set of brick apartment buildings. But for some reason, not being able to look and see outside felt very isolating. And here I was, not really doing anything about it.

Until one day I almost missed it. The day started off gray and cold. More of the same. But I was determined to not let the weather affect my mood. I got up fairly early and even worked out. But by 1pm I was hitting my Saturday afternoon slump. So instead of doing hw I took a nap. When I woke up I thought, Well, I guess this will just be another grayish Saturday, doing hw on my laptop. At some point I decided to peak outside. I don't know why, especially because I thought I already knew what the weather was going to be like anyway. I had checked online and it had said cloudy all day. But I peaked through the blinds anyway.

And there it was. Sunshine! The light was warm and yellow and looked so much more inviting than that morning's blue-gray light. The sun was out, and I had almost missed it! Something small like that had made my day. In that moment, it was not another dreary Saturday like the one before it. It was not a Saturday that acted more like a winter one rather than a spring one. This Saturday was the day the sunshine peaked through the clouds. The day the sunshine came.

And because of that, I want to try and be a better fan of the sun. Especially in March, when it seems like the sun has a hard time showing who's boss against the clouds. I want to open the blinds more often, enjoy the outside when I can, especially when the weather is having a tug-of-war battle with being decent and reverting back to winter. I think that opening the blinds is an act of a good supporting fan, cheering on the sun and warmer weather.

Hello sunshine, it's been a while.

Sometimes I Miss You

A thought came to me one morning...
Why do I really miss my family?

I have a large extended family. Growing up, summers were the was the best. That was what I could look forward to, without fail. A small cabin by the lake was my favorite place to be. That's where we could be together. This was the place where we would all come, experiencing little pieces of our lives just by being around each other. This is where it didn't matter how old I was; everyone enjoyed going on a motorboat ride (even if we were over capacity...) This was where we swam together, explored islands, played in the tree house, roasted marshmallows, put on Calamine lotion/cream to relieve the duck-itch. These were my summers. My summers were my family.

Family, the ones I love. Family was my parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts uncles, second cousins, great aunts... So many more people to love. In my little kid eyes it didn't matter that I was one of the younger cousins. It didn't matter that I only saw them once a year. It didn't matter that there were even some who I had never met, at least not yet. These were people who I was connected to. For those beautiful 3 weeks together, my family was 10 feet tall in my eyes and I was going to love wholeheartedly on them because for that moment in time, we were together.

Now, we've grown up. My cousins are older, some married, some with children, some finished college. They have their own lives. And me, well I'm just being to figure out what it means to be my own person, have independence, a life of my own. My older self is much more aware of the reality that things change, circumstances and situations aren't always in your control, life moves on, and people change. Summers aren't the same anymore. The cabin is still there, and I do get to see some extended family... but it's not the same. Years have gone by and we've all grown up.

And sometimes I feel left behind.

I miss you!!! I miss the times when all 30 of us were together. When we played in the croquet in the sun, when we would speed across the lake in our boat, feeling like we were flying. I miss laying on our towels in the grass, feeling the sun heating up our backs (which would most likely end up as a sunburn). I miss getting to stay up late and watch movies with you, a special treat hanging out with the big kids. I miss being read to. I miss the time.

Why do I miss you so much? Why do I long for moments of the past? Why do I want to see you, thinking that if we were just together everything would be the same, how it once was? Maybe because I feel that's all I have. Those summer moments when we were young. Those moments, the farther and farther they stretch, are the things that hold us together. They are the times when we were together. And now we're not. And now I'm afraid you don't know me anymore. I'm afraid I've just become a memory to you, just a label. I'm just a cousin from that one side of the family. Oh yes, you can remember some of the qualities I had when I was a child, some characteristics that I think I still have. Yes, some of those things have stayed with me and make up who I am. But do you really know me? Do you really know who I am as a person? Do you want to be a part of my life like how I want to be a part of yours?

I want to experience those summer moments again, where we just spend time with each other.
I want to be a part of your present lives, not just from the past.
I really want you to know me, Eileen the college student, your cousin.

I miss you because I long to be known by you.